White Rose Christmas
by shetan83
Summary: Sei reflects on what this day means to her, and reunites with someone very special to her.


It is Christmas Eve.

The Yamayurikai had their Christmas party tonight. Youko, a little too knowingly, had asked if I was going to come. I promised her that I would be there, without a doubt, and smiled.

It's a little bit harder to smile now, alone in my room. After all, it is Christmas Eve. Exactly one year ago, I was waiting at a train station for the love that would never come. While the past year has been filled with unexpected memories, and unexpected joys, those memories don't take the place of the painful ones.

I fiddle with the box that I hold in my hands. It's been gathering dust in an untouched drawer for a few months now. Last night I took it out and wiped the dust off of it. I considered wrapping it, but I've never been good at that sort of thing, and sentimental as I am, it's a bit too much even for me. So I sit here and stare at it instead, and I find myself getting lost in memories, old and new.

The new memories. Most recent is the Christmas party. I had gone as I promised and enjoyed myself. Rei had made a delicious Christmas cake for the occasion, some of which I fed to Yumi, keeping one eye on Sachiko the whole time. The two birds with one stone soeurs. I am thankful for them this holiday season. Sachiko had sighed and turned to Yumi, who was blushing furiously as everyone laughed. The rest of the party was spent in similar spirits, full of laughter and good cheer. I'd drifted away from Yumi after a while, my work there done. The rest of the night I had spent near Shimako.

Shimako. There are many memories now with her. And memories that seemed to have been waiting to be created, until the time that she came into my life. Indeed, a memory about her was made even before I knew her. A memory with someone else that I cherish.

Oneesama.

It's the Christmas season, the season of giving and receiving, and I'm remembering a person who gave so much to me, and who I felt I'd given so little in return. I'd told her that, as she had left, and I remember what she said to me after. If I felt the need to do something for her, then I would do something for the person who would become my petite soeur.

Now that I think about it, how would she ever know that I'd done something for her? Well, I suppose she believed in me, and trusted that I would. Or maybe she just knew that I would. I've always thought that she knew me better than I knew myself. Perhaps this was one of the things that she knew.

I smile to myself, and think about how many things have changed in the past year. This time last year, Youko and Oneesama were meeting me at a train station. I had cried into Oneesama's coat, and she had told me that time heals all wounds, and that one day I would be thankful that I had met Shiori. She was right, of course, even if I couldn't see it then. She reminded me of the people who cared about me, and as Youko fed me Rei's warm cookie, I cried.

Shiori was gone, leaving an emptiness and a hurt in me that I doubt would ever heal. If it did, I wondered how many years I would be hurting before it did. I'd cried for Shiori, but mostly I'd cried for me. Because as I tasted the warmth of that cookie in my mouth and felt the warmth of their care for me, even kindness had hurt.

As I walked with Youko and Oneesama back to Oneesama's home, they had stopped to wish me a Happy Birthday. I'm sure they weren't naïve enough to think that it would be, but their wishes came a little true. I was happy that they cared about me, although my heart contracted painfully as I wondered whether I was ready to accept their care, if I could accept anyone's concern and love anymore.

But I know now. It would be sad to ignore love only because you know one day it would come to an end. It's a lesson I've learned, and one that I would teach to my own petite soeur one day. But that was afterward.

In the days following the beginning of my seventeenth year, I was too tired to resist the care that my oneesama gave me. I was tired of trying to be strong. It was enough to let her guide me, to let her pick up the pieces and try to put me back together. I didn't care if she succeeded. It hadn't mattered much to me, either way. But it had mattered to Oneesama, and so she succeeded. I stayed in school, and watched as she graduated, crying. It said something about her success, that I cared enough to cry, but that she hadn't left me devastated by her leaving. Meetings and partings go together, she told me. But it wasn't something that I would truly accept, not until I met Shimako.

Sometimes I think about whether Shimako was also a gift from Oneesama. I think about it as a joke of course, or so I tell myself. But I wonder sometimes. After all, Oneesama had the ability to meddle in things without others ever knowing she had a hand in it. Youko has it too, although not quite as much as Oneesama. I can still tell when Youko's up to something.

Looking back, making Shimako my petite soeur was proof that I had changed. The truth is, I was afraid of Shimako, afraid of what she could mean to me. But I couldn't ignore the feelings I had for her. As much as I know that it can hurt, and as much as sometimes I wish that I could be indifferent the way I used to be, I guess I just can't deny that I'm that type of person. I can't ignore love, even if try.

I couldn't ignore love with Shiori either. We'd tried to, but we just couldn't. I had regretted loving her in the days immediately after, but now I don't. I don't regret meeting her, and I don't regret loving her.

I had cut my hair to symbolize the end of that era, that chapter in my life. Everyone had seen it, had taken it as a sign that I was moving on. The truth was that although I had cut my hair, I hadn't thrown in away. I'd gathered it and put it away in a box, trying to lock away those memories that were too painful to remember, although I couldn't stop remembering them anyway.

It's that box that I hold in my hands right now. After one memorable year, I am finally ready to properly let go.

I pry open the lid of the box, struggling with it for a bit. The lid falls to the floor with a clang as it slips through my fingers. I leave it there, picking up the light strands of hair instead. They slide through my fingertips to fall back into the box. I pick up the box of matches, sliding it open and picking up one. I try to light it but for some reason I can't. The last try ended up bending it. As I throw it away, I realize that my fingers are shaking, just slightly.

I sigh. Perhaps I'm not as ready as I thought. Even so, this is something that it's time for me to do. I try to strike another match and this time I succeed. Soon the smell of burning hair starts to fill the room. I watch until most of what is left is ash. My throat is itching a little, but not enough that I will really start to cry. I put the lid back on the box. After winter break, I'll scatter the ashes behind the church. It's fitting that way, isn't it? For the church to be the place where it started and ended.

I put aside the box, reaching for the one that Shimako had handed to me as we were parting earlier. A birthday present from my petite soeur. I smile, remembering her quiet but clear "Happy Birthday, Oneesama."

There's a note from Shimako inside the box. It says that the present is for my car. Ah, that's right, I had mentioned to Shimako that I would be getting my license after my birthday. Shimako remembers details like these. I'm the type of person that doesn't pay attention to them. The note also says that she hopes my present will remind me to look in the rear-view mirror more often. I laugh. Is my reputation really that bad? No one has actually seen me drive yet.

I lift out her present from the wrapping. It's a chain of charms in the shape of sakura flowers, with a loop of string so that I can hang it. The grin I have softens into a small smile. Shimako and the Yamayurikai have given me so much. I wonder if they'll ever know how grateful I am to them. My oneesama as well.

I pause. If I wanted Oneesama to know how grateful I am, I should have told her. But it's not too late now. I have her phone number. I've never called her after she graduated, thinking that she'd want me to try and support myself without her help. After a while, I was just afraid to call. After all, it had been farewell that she'd told me at graduation. But now, I feel that I should let her know the feelings I have. It's the season of giving, and I want to give my thanks.

I dial her number. My heart is thumping in my chest, and I can feel the thumping in my throat. Satou Sei is shy. And nervous. Briefly, I wonder about what the Yamayurikai would think if they saw me now. It's cut short when I hear a voice on the other end.

"Hello? This is—"

"O-Oneesama…"

There's a pause on the other end. Gah, I should have waited for her to finish speaking or something, but I couldn't keep stop myself, once I heard her voice. Maybe I shouldn't have called her Oneesama.

"I mean, um, is it still alright to call you that?"

There's a laugh on the other end. I let out the breath I'm holding.

"Of course, Sei. It's good to hear from you again. I was starting to wonder if you'd ever call."

I laugh a little nervously.

"Well, Merry Christmas, Oneesama. Oh and, I'm sorry for calling so late."

"Not at all, Sei. I told you that you could call me anytime, and I meant it. Merry Christmas to you too."

There's a slight pause. I'm trying to think of what to say, of how to say what I've been thinking. As the silence is drawn out, I wonder if she'll break it first. No, she's waiting. Of course, she knows that I wouldn't have called for a simple Merry Christmas. So she's waiting. She always did know how to handle me.

"So how have you been?" I blurt out.

"Ah, I've been fine. College is busy, and quite different from Lillian, but I very much enjoy it."

"I see. I'm glad."

"Thank you. And you, Sei?"

Well, here's the opening I've been waiting for. Where to start? What to say?

"I've been good. I just got back from the Yamayurikai Christmas party."

"Oh, did you enjoy it?"

"Yes, I had a great time. My petite soeur gave me a present as we were leaving. Oh, Oneesama, I have a petite soeur now."

"Really, Sei? I'm glad. What's she like?"

"Youko says she reminds her of me. When I first met her, she reminded me of – of Shiori, but afterwards it seems like Youko was right. But don't tell Youko I said that."

Oneesama laughs gently.

"No, of course not."

There's a pause. It's more comfortable, now that I've heard her voice and know that she's still my oneesama, the one who took care of me while I was hurt. My throat is starting to burn again. My voice, when I start to speak, trembles a little.

"Oneesama, when you graduated, you told me that if I needed to do something for you, then I should do it for the person who would be my petite soeur."

I laugh a little.

"It took a while before I made her my soeur, and Youko meddled in it a bit to get me moving."

Oneesama laughs.

"Oh, did she? I'm not surprised."

"Yeah, that's Youko. My petite soeur, her name is Shimako. She's a first year, and she's from a Buddhist family. She wants to become a nun."

Like Shiori. I know Oneesama is thinking it too.

"Sachiko offered her rosary to her first, but Shimako turned it down. I heard that it caused quite a scandal. Then again, me dragging her out of class to make her my soeur probably made some waves too."

I can see Oneesama smiling in my mind.

"Well, I'm glad that you got her then. I can hear that you're happy with her. I wish I could meet her. She sounds wonderful."

Tears fill my eyes. I wish it too. I wish you could see what you've done for me.

"Oneesama…Oneesama, I called because – because for a long time I wanted to thank you. For everything that you gave to me, and because I never got a chance to give anything back. And then when you graduated, you told me to take care of my petite soeur, and I have, but I thought that you would never know. So I wanted to call to let you know that things – that things worked out okay."

"Sei, I could hear it as soon as you started talking about your soeur. Oh, Sei. What a great change. What a great and happy change. You've given me the greatest gift you could give me, to hear your voice and how happy you are. Sei, I'm so happy."

The voice of the composed Oneesama I've always known trembles with emotion. It's too much for me, to hear all this all at once.

"Ah, Oneesama, we're being so serious for the holidays."

"Ah, so we are. Well then, tell me something less serious, Sei."

"Alright, let's see…Sachiko has a petite soeur now. She's very cute, and whatever she thinks shows on her face. I, uh, "sexually harass" her sometimes, in front of Sachiko. I get a great reaction out of them."

Oneesama laughs as I continue to tell her about my antics. It's another legacy she's left me, the capability to tease others. As I listen to the teasing lilt of her voice as she tells me about her college days, I feel at peace again, and at the same time I feel like crying a little. I really do miss her, and there were days this past year when I really wished that she were there. Somehow, during the time I knew her, I came to associate her physical presence with things being alright. As I tried to make my way, it was enough that she was there by my side.

"And Sei?"

"Hmm?"

"Happy Birthday, Sei."

I look at the clock on my desk and see that it's just past midnight. It's the 25th now. Christmas Day, and my birthday.

I smile.

"Thank you, Oneesama."

In the winter of my sixteenth year, I experienced an agonizing parting.

In the winter of my seventeenth year, I celebrated a peaceful reunion.

* * *

Author Notes:  
Thanks for reading! And if you feel like it, please leave a review. I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing. Comments, criticism, and typo-alerts are welcome! 


End file.
